Confessions of a Lotus Eater

2005-12-22T13:19:00.000-05:00

Everyone Moved out of the Neighborhood

I'm really just writing this because I need to have an outlet. I think it's interesting that I brushed off my blogroll and checked in on some of the websites that I haven't looked at in almost a year. Some people have kept up with their blogs, some like me only check in once and a great while. It's like we're coming back to visit old friends and let them know that we're okay. We're just not able to commit to a daily writing. I honestly think that I'd be boring as a daily writer anyways, always whining and bitching about some absurd thing. I'm better off writing down a mix of my thoughts from the past couple of months. It is kind of scary to go back to your old neighborhood because you see how people changed the houses you used to identify as markers and how tall the trees have grown.

2005-12-22T13:07:00.000-05:00

A Brand New Version of Me

So I've been busy over the past two years in ways that you can't imagine. I've gone through a relationship which I talked about extensively on this blog. That relationship is now over, but has ended on excellent terms. I've also graduated from Cosmetology school, moved to Cincinatti, hated it and moved back in with Mom and Dad in Detroit. I've also got an exciting oppertunity to move to Chapel Hill, NC. I also got a LOT more tattoos, colored my hair every color you can conceive, got my nose pierced, got a mohawk, and went through a lot. I'm really a different person than I was before. I've grown a lot in a little amount of time. I really think that at one point I went fucking crazy and now am coming back from that. I just want out of the Midwest and hopefully in the next two years that will happen.

2005-08-26T19:13:00.000-04:00

So here I am sitting and loading music into my brand new iPod at my parents house 2 days after graduating from The Aveda Institute of Cosmetology. I'm moving to Cincinatti by September 11th to start my new job as a cosmetologist at the Ambience Day Spa. When I get myself in some kind of an order and when I get my own internet reconnected I will post more. I promise. Jimmy thanks for checking in on me.

2005-07-04T09:30:00.000-04:00

So here is my yearly post. I'm a different person. Drastically different. The sarcasm has died down a bit and led to something a bit more mellow. I'm in a state of quite desperation. I'm almost done with cosmetology school and I'm broke as a joke. I've been going to the Aveda Institute for the past 9 months and haven't had a job. I've been living on the edge of poor. So poor in fact that I don't have money for the internet. I'm actually typing this from my mom and dad's house in Detroit. Well the good news is, I'm finally becoming something. Being in cosmetology school has given me a sense of purpose. When I get done with school I'm moving to Cincinatti and then hopefully in 3 years time I'll be headed out to Seattle Washington.

2004-01-23T14:29:00.000-05:00

Hidden Place
this is my cubby hole and I intend to keep it hidden. Unfortunetly the whole place has become dusty. I'm going to gut it in the next week and then rebuild from the ground up.

2004-01-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

Don't fear the Reaper
Life has changed in so many ways that I can't type enough to tell you how. I've had the desire to communicate for a while but have forgotten it. Now it's back stronger than ever. I'm in college now and am working two jobs. I'm still working out 5 times a week and trying to gain 10 pounds in the next two months. I also shaved my head near bald. I think I'm a different person. These last couple of months have been like walking through a dark tunnel. I think I'm finally at the other side because I can see the light and looking back it wasn't as awful as it felt at the time. I still have a long way to go but I'm getting there.

2003-09-25T22:56:00.000-04:00

Here's the Deal

I'm coming back as something new. Fresh slate for a fresh life. I'm starting a new job for AOL two weeks from now and am going to be doing something different and cool with not only the website but also my writing. I've decided to add a gallery for my photoshop obsession as well. So once things are in place I'll let all the proper bloggers know. Thanks you guys for being there for me and listening when I needed you.

Joey

2003-09-01T13:54:00.000-04:00

Fizz, Fizz, Fizzle......
I love PJ with all of my heart but ever since I moved down here things have changed. Things have gone from being exciting and fun to boring. I'm tired of going to the fucking movies all the time and I'm tired of staying home every fucking night and watching Alias reruns on dvd. I love PJ with all of my heart and that hasn't changed but I'm fucking bored. We DON'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. The most exciting thing I have to look forward to now is the reare occasion that I can force him to go out or going to the coffee house so that I have some outside influence. He's perfectly happy doing nothing... ALL THE TIME. I'm sick of being the asshole who always feels bad because they want to go out. I am just a social person and I miss my friends and I miss my family. There are other things that I miss too. It's just too much to explain right now. All I know is that I'm an asshole and that nobody is holding me prisoner. I guess I just want things to be fun again and right now they're not.

2003-09-01T12:13:00.000-04:00

Gloomy Monday
It's Monday and PJ is at the gym right now and I'm sitting here thinking about a lot of things. The weather has been grey and overcast all weekend which has been putting me in a funky mood. I'm just sort of sitting here waiting for something to happen.... my life is an everswinging pendelum.

2003-08-26T12:09:00.000-04:00

New Job
So I finally got a new job and some sense of balance has been restored to my life. I love Columbus and feel like I'm home. My parents have come down and survayed the place and are happy with my surroundings. I'm in a better place emotionally. The boyfriend and I have bonded closer than I thought possible. I'm happy with our life together. I'm getting used to finding my way around Columbus and learning about all sorts of cool little places I didn't know exsisted. I also bought an mp3 player and got into the latest century. So now I walk around the city listening to music and feeling at peace. Today has been a great day. Hopefully there will be many more to come.

2003-08-17T10:26:00.000-04:00

Too Long
I have been gone WAY too long. Things have been really hectic down here and I've been taking kind of a breather so that I could acclimate myself. Things are going wonderfully. I'm extremely happy with PJ and our relationship and my parents just came down to Columbus for the first time to visit and think that it's great. I'm happy. That is something I've been wanting to say and mean 100% for quite some time. Now the break is over and it's back to blogging as usual. Look for more posts this week and I'll fill everyone in on the gaping plot gaps in my life.

2003-07-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

Brand New Day
Things have been hectic around here and I've been getting adjusted to life outside Detroit but all and all it's been a good experience. I love living with PJ and am happy to be down in Columbus. There are so many things to get used to but I'm handling them one at a time. I think that things are about to get very interesting from here on in. More later this week.

2003-07-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

This is It
I just packed the last of my office supplies into my car. It's time. By this time on Friday I'll be in Columbus. I'm so scared right now that I have butterflies in my stomach. Oh well. I'm sure that I'll do just fine.

2003-07-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

Life is Good
I'm moving to Columbus this Friday. This will start a two week mini vacation for me. I'm going to look for another job, relax and work out as well as get stuff setup and taken care of. I couldn't have a care in the world. As I said before I've been working on a couple of photoshop images just for fun. Here's one that I did for just for fun. Here's another one that I attempted. It's my first try at this type of thing and I think it turned out pretty good. If you can't guess who it is then I'll give you a little hint. The title of the original painting is Madonna and Child. Nothing else really all that new to report other than that. Things have been pretty tame around here.

2003-07-14T10:34:00.000-04:00

Just one Quick Note
To ANYONE who has a problem with what I write on my website, DON'T READ IT. It's my opinion, and if I don't like you're opinion I'll just delete it from my comments. I don't really give a shit. This blog was created soully because I like to express myself and I enjoy feedback from my friends. Those who want to leave innapproriate comments and nasty remarks are not my friends and therefore are not welcome on my website. Thank you and have a good day.

2003-07-11T16:22:00.000-04:00

Now I'm just Pissed
I love the fact that I'm travelling along in the blogaverse minding my own business and reading one of my FAVORITEblogs written by the talented and wonderful Beer Mary when what should I stumble upon but the gates to hell. Just because she had the courage to say that being gay is okay. Well Mary here's one more gay man that salutes you. I love your blog don't let a bunch of ignorant assholes like this one get you down. Fuck him. He's just another smug prick who thinks that in his self righteousness he does some good. It's nice to see that some people still get their jollies from discrimination and persicution and hate. Why don't we just have an online lynching next?

2003-07-11T12:10:00.000-04:00

Just a Quickie
So here's the update. I've been avoiding blogging lately because I've been working on getting my stuff in order and I've been tooling around on the coolest photoshop website ever Worth 1000. Something about that site really turns my crank. I've been trying some of the contests that they have just for shits and giggles and am enjoying the learning process. I guess this makes ME a big geek. I think the next project that I'll attempt is the Celebrity Cyborg. If I do I'll post the results of my hardwork for y'all to see. (Now more than ever I'm SURE that I want to be graphic designer. I'm sorry but I got almost as excited as I do over sex about this website). So everything is topsy turvy and inside out but I'll get it worked out. Here's one more quick promise of things you can expect in the next couple of weeks.

Moloko

What rating is your journal?
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Thanks to Jimmy for this cool link (I guess I'm dirtier than I thought probably because of all of those half naked photos of myself I've posted but of well what the hey)

2003-07-09T17:52:00.000-04:00

The Time Is Now
I've been so busy with packing and getting stuff in order at work and transferring files from my work computer to my home computer that I'm going insane. Hopefully things will return to some form of normallicy by next week. Only 9 days left until I leave Michigan

2003-07-03T12:15:00.000-04:00

I'm Just Like George and Weezie
Why You ask? Because I'm movin on up. My last day in the state of Michigan is Friday the 18th of July. Then it's down to Columbus. I'll have two weeks off before I start my new job and I'll have everything setup. I probably won't be blogging as much as I'd like to at first because I'll be busier than a chicken with his head cut off but I'll keep you guys posted. To everyone who's kept up on this blog from the beginning thanks for your support and kind words. Things are going to be awesome and I'm looking forward to beginning a new chapter in my life. (Hopefully my blog will get a little more exciting than the Michigan snore fest it had the tendency to be at times). Everyone have a safe and happy 4th of July weekend. Talk to you later

2003-07-02T11:22:00.000-04:00

Just a Quick Update
I like many of the other bloggers out there have found myself quite busy this month. So I only have time for one quick update. Here it is I FOUND A JOB!!!! I'll be moving out of Detroit on the 18th of July and heading down to Columbus. I start my new job on August 4th so wish me luck! I'll try to update more this weekend on Sunday if I have time. I'm the happiest I've been in months a new chapter is beginning. One more note to self. Blog about Columbus Gay Pride later and about running into Danny Martino.

2003-06-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

I Love My Bionic Eyes (as I got light as a feather, they got stiff as a board)
Warning this is an ego stroking moment for me. I'm a hunter. I'm a preditor. I'm a flirt. It's true. I'm that guy in the bar who's having fun and making eye contact. Behind what appears to be a shy demenor is a dangerous preditor. I love the thrill of pursuit. I'm kind of like a hobby fisherman though, no matter what I catch I always throw it back (I love my boyfriend WAY too much to ever do anything behind his back). I'm actually pretty good at it too. I honed my skills while working as a stripper. You want to make the dollars you learn to flirt. Seriously though I have most fun hunting when PJ is with me. We both see what kind of contact can be made and between the two of us we seem to do allright. I can't wait for pride this weekend. We are going to have the best time ever. I've got some job interviews so y'all will have to excuse me if you don't hear from me till wednesday of next week. It's going to be a busy month but I promise not to neglect you too much if I can help it.

I love my bionic eyes
I love my crystal vision
If there's anybody out there
Baby I'm not gonna miss 'em

I watch the years go by
These are the same old guys I never had any use for
Beyond the feeling of pleasure
Or the thrill of the fight

I scored again last night
I said thanks for the drinks, nice party
Then I turned out the light

I've got timing and attitude
That can get to the baddest dude
That's when I hypnotize them
With my bionic eyes

As I got older I had to step out of the lines
And make up my own mind
As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board
I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever

It's easy in the beginning
When I can dazzle them
All night
Make 'em do what you wan' 'em to
Get 'em running after you
It's just the same old guys
Wearing the same old ties

As I got older I had to step out of the lines
And make up my own mind
As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board
I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever

I love my bionic eyes
I love my bionic eyes
I love my bionic eyes

If there's a parallel nation
And I'm a secret weapon
Show me a man you cannot break
And I will show you heaven

As I got older I had to step out of the lines
And make up my own mind
As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board
I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever

2003-06-26T10:25:00.000-04:00

With Her Cherry Lips and Golden Curls
For the past two days I've been working on a little art project. I was inspired by this site to try my hand at making one of my favorite celebrities Shirley Manson the lead singer of Garbage disapear. This wasn't nearly as easy a feat as I thought it would be but I think I've turned out a pretty successfull spook. I thought that since my art project kept me from blogging for two days that I'd share the fruits of my labor with you. Let me know what you think. Please be honest. Remember Honesty is the best compliment and the harshest critic. I'm pretty proud of my work with Shirley and will continue to try new things. One last note: everything that was done was done in Adobe Photoshop.

2003-06-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

Big Surprise
spoken in the most sarcastic voice possible I just heard through the grapevine but apparently the company that I work for who will currently remain nameless although their initials are echo delta sierra, has decided that it no longer needs an office in Troy, Michigan. This means that unless the people in that office would like to move to Lansing they will soon be going the way of the dodo. I can't help but think that it was a good thing that I got laid off before December because I'd hate to move in the winter and plus now I'll get severence, unemployment and all the money I can pocket by working under the table for a friend for a month :). Somedays life is grand.

2003-06-25T11:11:00.000-04:00

Lets Get Physical
This week is my hell week as far as working out is concerned. Gay pride is this weekend and then for 4th of July I have to squeeze my big J-LO sized ass into a itsy bitsy teeny weeny pair of box cut swim trunks for a pool party. So this week I've been working out like I haven't done in months. It feels really good to work out and I'm glad I'm getting back in the swing of things. PJ is dictating my excercise routine to me over the phone. He's been rough but already I can see results. I've also been taking suppliments in addition to eating regularly (I actually LIKE the taste of these suppliments) which has been helping me pack on the lbs. Hopefully I'll be hot stuff for this weekend and next. I also dyed blond highlights in my hair, but not the really queenie kind. My hair is now half blond half brown and looks really good. I'm pleased and to quote Drop Dead Gorgeous "I was running about 5 miles a day on 500 calories, I was ready". Just kidding. More this week if I can find the strength to Type.

2003-06-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

Getting To Know You
I'm starting to enjoy this friendster thing. It's very interesting since I found one of my friends from Detroit, Erikk. Becoming friends with him in friendster has basically connected me to EVERYONE I know in the Metro Detroit area. I'm definitely enjoying looking at each of their profiles and seeing what they're all about. It's kinda cool. I have to remember to sign PJ up to be in my friendster network this weekend. Speaking of the weekend. I'm really looking forward to saturday. I get to see PJ's family again which will hopefully include his sister Barbie who's awesome and his other sister Molly. I love PJ's family and think that this will be a blast. I'll also get to see his best friends mother Mariah at Dragonfly. So my weekend is packed full of excitement. I probably won't be able to post but should have pictures from the weekend on Monday or Tuesday.

2003-06-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

Sick Sick Mind
Somehow through our weekend activities my boyfriend and I have both managed to catch a nasty cold. Only in the midwest could you catch a cold in the middle of summer. Anyways I've been sitting at my desk hacking up what appears to be a lung for the past two days. I'm tired and I'm achy. I'll stop bitching now. The good news is that I finally got my car fixed. Thank god for that. It wasn't as expensive which suprised the hell out of me. I wish I could go out with my friends tonight but being sick takes presidence. So right now while I'm at work I'll be pretending I'm at home asleep in my bed.

2003-06-18T11:14:00.000-04:00

Healthcare Today Sucks
I just spent 30 minutes on the phone making a dermatology appointment for a problem that I've been having on my chinny chin chin. It's nothing big but something that needs to be handled by a dertmatologist. This process only took me calling 3 doctors 2 nurses 1 schedulular and speaking to 2 voicemails. Does anyone here remember the days when if you needed a dermatologist you called one, and your health insurance covered it? NOT anymore by the looks of it. No I couldn't get a referal directly from my primary physician because she didn't see the problem so I had to get a referal from the Infectious disease specialist who I see every 3 months who first noticed my problem. Then after getting his primary referal I had to call my primary doctor back up and leave a voice mail so that I could get an insurance referal. Then I called the determatologist department and was able to make an appointment. I'm suprised I didn't have to jump through a flaming hoop or give them my first born. Anyways the good news is my problem will be gone by Gay pride. What a relief

2003-06-17T13:22:00.000-04:00

Fanning the Flames
I had so much fun at my friends wedding this weekend that I can't even begin to do it justice. In addition to meeting some of PJ's oldest and dearest friends I was also lucky enough to meet some amazing new people. The married couple Tom and Scott are friends with a group of Fanners from New York City. These people were amazingly friendly and also incredibly talented. They danced in the most intricate ways with self constructed fans. The fans themselves were beautiful and came in several varieties. The dancers were of varying ages but were all wonderfull, crazy and unique. They actually let me try fanning myself. I wasn't all that great but had a wonderful time. One of my friends from Columbus is the only resident fanner and he agreed to show me how as well as how to construct fans of my own. I'm really excited. All and all the weekend was wonderful and full of good energy as well as good people. I'm so happy that I got to be a part of it.

2003-06-13T18:25:00.000-04:00

Juice
You know I've been working out for two years and have only really managed to gain 15 pounds. I think part is due to my age, my metabolism and the other part is due to my diet. I eat three meals a day but it's still not enough and I know it. I've used suppliment shakes and am planning on starting up on those again this weekend. I'll tell you one thing I won't do. I won't do steriods. When I was in High School my brother was planning on becoming a serious body builder. He wanted to bulk up in a hurry and started taking steroids. For a two year period I was scared to breathe around my brother. He beat the living shit out of me on a daily basis. My parents were never around and he knew where to hit me. I was scared to say anything. At one point while snooping though his stuff (yeah I wasn't innocent either) I found a bunch of needles and vials. I told my parents who confronted Josh and found out that he was doing steroids. I feel like I lost my brother for a two year period and almost for my life. He was moody, angry all the time, and prone to violent outbursts. He got in fist fights with my father, yelled at my mother and terrorized me. Now I'm at a crossroads with my workouts and I know it's not getting any easier. I've talked to others about it and I've heard the juice get brought up. Here's my take on it. Taking steroids is cheating. It's bullshit. It's simply saying I want a great body and don't want to work for it. Fuck that. I know one thing about myself. There are plenty of days where I don't like my own body and I think that I'm too skinny but I'd rather be too skinny for the rest of my life than turn to using steroids.

2003-06-13T17:13:00.000-04:00

Friends Romans Countrymen
So I caved to the evil temptation and decided to join good ol' friendster at the prompting of my friend Danny. Interesting stuff. It definitely passes the time. If you'd like to be my "friend" just use my email address listed at this website. :)

2003-06-13T15:14:00.000-04:00

STOP READ THIS POST PLEASE
Okay so this is a quick post that requires viewer paticipation. I have way too many blogskins and am thinking about getting rid of 2 so do me a big favor. Everyone please tell me your 2 least favorite skins. Least favorite will go based on your votes. Use the comments area to vote (words of wisdom) and please do me a favor. Even if your a casual viewer please vote.

2003-06-12T17:29:00.000-04:00

Girls Night Out

Every Thursday night for the past couple of months I've been taking my best friend Jill and some of her coworkers from Starbucks out to the gay bar with me. I do it because I have more fun with Jill and her girlfriends than I do being around other gay people. We dance and make asses of ourselves and generally have a really good time. It makes me happy to take Jill out and gives me something to look forward before the weekend. I'm glad that I've gotten a chance to bond with her. Tonight I'm going to dress very oi oi punk rock with a white wifebeater, wallet chain, old tux pants, and doc martins. I'll also have my fauxhawk in place. This should be a really good time

2003-06-12T12:15:00.000-04:00

Soothe the Savage Beast
I don't know if I'm the only one who does this, but I use music as a form of therapy. When I'm angry I listen to PJ Harvey, Hole, or Portishead. When I'm sad about something I'll listen to Aimee Mann, Tori Amos, or Sarah McLachlan. When I'm ready to kick some ass I listen to Peaches, The Donnas, Garbage, or Poe. I listen to music to enhance my mode, or quail my anger. I'd be lost without my music. I'm thankful that I have it.

2003-06-11T15:06:00.000-04:00

It's About Choices
I came upon a brilliant idea at lunch. I decided to try and fill my website with content instead of just adding new skins. No, seriously I've been having fun and enjoyed updating my website. I like using the skins better because it gives you the choice of layout making it easier on the eyes and making my website a little more special. Anyways I don't have as much to report as I'd like to. I told my parents that I got laid off on Monday and they both blew up. They stated the same things that they'd been stating to me for months about how hard the job market is, how expensive it will be to live in Columbus and everything else. Then they calmed down and took their heads out of their asses and apologized for blowing up. Now I'm in the process of trying to get a new job and updating the ol' resume. This weekend I'm going to a commitment cerimony and probably won't post on Monday (due to a massive hangover). This month's gonna be busy busy between work, pride, finding a job, and keeping on top of my social calender I'm hardly going to have room to breathe but that's the way I like it. Lastly, I just added in the cherries skin because in the infinintely wise words of Jerri Blank, "It's about choices mother, and I've chosen to make a mistake".

2003-06-10T17:11:00.000-04:00

Hey YOU
Just so you know I will be posting pictured of said chaps listed over in my sidebar as soon as I can get the bf and the digital camera. :)

2003-06-10T12:14:00.000-04:00

There will be some turbulance shortly

2003-06-09T18:04:00.000-04:00

I'm Not Supposed to have Favorites
But this is definitely the best skin designs that I've done so far. I've enjoyed the learning process and the end result. I think my two Favorite skins are the Strangers With Candy Skin and the Seven Veils skin. If you've followed this site long enough you know that I'm always updating. I hope you enjoy the new looks.

2003-06-09T13:12:00.000-04:00

About That Not Changing My Format
I lied. So sue me...

2003-06-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

Sucker for Abuse
I have to sit here at work and train for the next 6 hours on a subject of my choosing. Assinine? I know especially since my company is LAYING ME OFF in a month and a half, but I digress. So what did I choose dear reader? What amazing subject did I choose to undertake? Why I choose html coding of course! So now I'm out there looking at all of the beautifull websites that have changeable skins and my jealousy is haunting me. These aren't the skins are momma's used to make. No these are complete layout changes, text changes, and graphic changes. Now I know what you're thinking, Jesus Christ on an electroplated pogo stick Joey stop picking at your site, if you don't it will never scab over and heal. True my reader, true, but I can assure you that no changes will come anytime in the relatively near future. I am still thinking about getting my own domain and getting away from the evil that is blogger and moving over to PMachine or Movable type. Of that we'll see.

2003-06-05T18:12:00.000-04:00

Cotton Candy Bullshit
After such amazing albums as Exile on Guyville, Whipsmart, and Whitechocolatespaceegg it looks like Liz Phair may have finally sold out. What a bunch of bullshit. Where's the potty mouthed girl that we used to love???? I swear I'm scared of her new album being a bunch of cotton candy bullshit. I pray that she's still the same Liz that had something to say and not the next Avril LaVigne. If you want to see what all the fuss is about click here

2003-06-04T17:15:00.000-04:00

Just a Quick Link
Something that I found extremely funny that had to do with amature porn

2003-06-03T18:23:00.000-04:00

Main Critique from the Silver Screen
What in the heck is going on. I think we bloggers are in a nexus of sudden and rapid change. Not just little itty bitty change like we normally write about but big change. You've changed your website, I'm changing jobs, so are you, you've had a major change of heart, and you sound like a man who's smitten. It's like blogs of our lives in the gay community. I think it's wonderfull. I've been thinking about being laid off and now I'm actually not so scared. I'm actually really excited. Maybe now I can get on with my life instead of living it for others (mostly my parents as far as work is concerned). This is my chance to to break free and I'm excited to have it.

2003-06-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

Get Back Up
Is exactly what I'm going to do. I think I'll be okay. It's not the end of the world. Just the end of a particularly awfull job.Oh and if anyone wants my opinion. You'd have to be crazy to work for them

2003-06-02T13:19:00.000-04:00

Sad But True
I've just been laid off of my job. I have until August 1st to find a new one. I'm in shock but at the same time I'm sickly relieved. Now I can move to Columbus without any excuse. I'm scared as hell and feel awfull but at the same time I'm excited. PJ has been nothing but supportive since I told him the news and I love him so much for that. He's trying his best to make this easier on me. I don't know how much I'll be blogging because I'm sure I'll be busy getting myself ready for work. Please wish me luck.

2003-05-29T13:03:00.000-04:00

An Old Soul in a Young Body
Many people have told me that I have an old soul. I sometimes feel that is true. Not always mind you but sometimes. Every once and awhile I look back and trace over the emotional scars and heartaches that have brought me to the point I am at now and I smile with pride. I've survived many dangers and pitfalls and been pushed to the point of the emotional edge but haven't broken. I've stood strong against personal tragedy and didn't back away from the challenges life has presented me. I'm excited to see where I'm going next. I love the journey I'm on and am glad for good travelling companions like PJ, Daryl, and Jill.

2003-05-29T11:03:00.000-04:00

All Bound for Mu Mu Land (More Fun Than I Should be Allowed to Have II)
So Saturday at IML was good and the boyfriend and I had a blast. We ran into some friends and had brunch and went back to the Leather Mart. PJ had to work that night at Metro but after that he was done for the weekend. We spent the rest of the weekend reveling in sin but I've never felt closer to PJ. He touches the pulse of my heart with the person that he is. I remember on the drive home at one point we were talking about music from the 1980's and I mentioned a song that I'd thought no one had heard of called All Bound for Mu Mu Land, and Patrick instantly knew what I was talking about. He was like the song with Tammy Wynette? I was shocked. We spent the rest of the car ride home talking and laughing hysterically. I love him so much and am amazed that we still can make each other laugh and smile in all the little things we do.

2003-05-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

More Fun than I Should be Allowed to Have
I just got back from IML today and am sitting at my desk at work reflecting over the weekend. I'm a little tired and a little cracked but no worse for the wear. We got to Chicago on Friday and checked into our hotel and relaxed a few hours and then PJ had to work at Pornopalooza which was held at Circuit Nightclub. We saw many different faces including Chi Chi LaRue, Matt Rush, and a few others and had a decent time. The next day we went to the leather mart which proved to be a lot less interesting than it was last year. As we walked through the doors the first thing to greet our eyes was a beautiful scat video. I took this as a bad omen. PJ made our way through the mart pretty quickly and I managed to pick up a pare of chaps from Nasty Pig. PJ had 2 shows that evening so he and I were in a rush. He worked at Mans Country at 12:30 and then did another show at Metro. Afterwards I finally had my boyfriend all to myself we relaxed, danced and had a good time. I've noticed that as much as I like clubbing I have the best time with PJ when it's just me and him. More to come later today...........

2003-05-22T12:31:00.000-04:00

Pray for our sins (particularly the ones I'm going to commit this weekend)
Oh my GOD

2003-05-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

Off to the Windy City
I'm so excited. Tommorow PJ and I leave for Chicago for IML tommorow. PJ and I should have a fun weekend ahead of us and I'm really excited because he won't be working the Titan Booth this year since there will no longer be one. It will be nice for the both of us to be able to spend time together despite the fact that he's performing at a couple of clubs while we're there. Hopefully these performances won't last forever and I won't be left to wander without him. However if I AM left to wander without him I'm going to make the best of it and have fun. So either way this should be a great weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Posts and pictures when I get back.

2003-05-21T17:04:00.000-04:00

One Quick Round of Thank You's One quick round of thank you's is in order to other bloggers who helped me design my webpage although they don't know they did. Thank you for the idea for my table layout, and thank you for teaching me how to make semi transparent tables. Another round of thanks is in order for people who've recently added me to their links and have been added to mine thank you and you.

2003-05-21T16:06:00.000-04:00

Confessions of a Lotus Eater
Everyone who comes onto this site knows (probably much to their frustration) how much I like to change the layout of this site. Well it's time for one more quick change and then I'm through. I love playing around with html and trying to advance my skills. This last design change was made to simply make viewing my website easier. I'm done with skin changing for a little while. I think you'll enjoy this new layout. The decision to change my title came from the fact that I no longer feel like the person that I was when I started this blog. When I started blogging it was mainly as an attempt to vent about my feelings about the course of my life and how things were going in it at the time. The name nightmareboy came from the Aimee Mann song Nightmare Girl which to me was about a person that is in a negative place and who's life is changing rapidly before their eyes. Though my life is still changing rapidly I'm no longer nearly as negative as I used to be. I won't be changing my web address because I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want everyone who's so graciously added me to their blogrolls or links to have to change anything. The only difference will be in the title and the layout.Truthfully I know that the colors of the layout are a little fruity with the flowers and the pinks and purples but tough shit. I chose the colors that I did in order to accent the lotus flower. All the colors used in the page design are actually found in the lotus flower itself. The title confessions of a lotus eater came to me from the story of Ulysses. A Lotus Eater is a person who is in a perpetual dream state and lives in somewhat of a fantasy. Anyway's it's just a title and what's in a name?

2003-05-21T15:29:00.000-04:00

Biorhythm part I
In order to get the whole experience of the story please click on the title of the story and allow the song to play as you read.

Shattered

There have been three times in my life where I can say that I was truly shattered. What I mean by shattered is totally emotionally distraught. I use the word shattered because it’s like your heart is a pane of glass that someone’s just dropped on the floor. The pieces are still there but it’s extremely difficult to put them back together. The first time I shattered was definitely the hardest. I met Brett Ferris when I was at an emotionally low point in my life. I’d been kicked out of my house for fighting with my parents, I’d failed out of college, and I had no direction in my life. Then Brett came in and gave me purpose. He got me to move back in with my parents, start going to school again, and he made me feel good about myself. Then he moved…..3 ½ hours away. He moved up to Ludington, Michigan to be with his family and to go back to school. I told him that I’d drive up to see him, and that’s what I did. I did this for about 5 months. During the 5th month things started to change. Our daily phone calls were becoming shorter and shorter, until finally he stopped calling. I couldn’t get a hold of him when I called, and he didn’t try calling me. That was it. No explanation, nothing. I clearly remember the day when it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to call. On that day I shattered. I wasn’t able to pick up the pieces again for almost a year. During that year I constantly thought that something was wrong with me. I thought that maybe I was too skinny or too ugly or just not interesting enough to have around. I slept around, to try to make up for the loss I felt but only ended it up feeling more empty. As the year ended however I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t the one who had something wrong with them. It was Brett. It doesn’t mean that what he did hurt any less or that I don’t still think about him, it just means that maybe it wasn’t my fault. Brett Richard Ferris, you hurt me terribly and yet I still wonder what the hell has happened to you. I hope that you’ve grown up since we’ve dated and that you realize that what you did was wrong. If not then I’m sorry for you.

2003-05-14T13:57:00.000-04:00

Motor Ball Photos
as promised here are my photos from Motorball. The Last photo is a link to the photographer, Troy (who by the way was extremely cute and had an interest in you know who), his website is awesome and there are tons of other photos from Motorball on the site.

2003-05-13T10:49:00.000-04:00

Biorhythm
I'm working on a little bit of a blogging project that you'll see the results of later. It's called Biorhythym (I know it's cheesy because I stole it from MTV) but the idea is simple. Over the next couple of weeks you'll be getting stories from different times in my life that are best read accompinied by music. You'll just click on the title of the story and the song that accompanies will play. The song title will be given if you hover over the link. These are stories about different things that happened to me that have made an impact on my life although they go in no order what so ever.

2003-05-12T17:51:00.000-04:00

With a Tack Hammer
I just had the head technician for one of the smaller companies that my company helps support smash my ego like a pane of glass. Her name is Melinda and she's from Texas and believe me she's a badass. She was able to solve a problem that I could have solved without her assistance if not for my thickhead. I walked away from our conference call with the user feeling about an inch tall which was a good thing. Melinda reminds me that there are some IT people who actually do give a shit about the end user and making sure that everything is working okay. It's people like her who remind me that it's not that hard to go the extra mile instead of shifting the work around. It's good to have your ego smacked every once and a while because it reminds you to pay attention.

2003-05-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

Girls Just want to Have Fun
Somehow Cyndi Lauper has taken control of my webpage. I'll try to fix it but if not then it'll get fixed on Monday

2003-05-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

Bop She Bop
Yes that is Cindy Lauper and yes it is the 1980's...............

2003-05-09T12:10:00.000-04:00

Nightmareboy Has Soul
So I've decided to shed my skin once again. This time in favor of a funkier and foxier momma. I'll be adding all of your favorite era's including the 1960's 1980's 1990's and the 2000's so keep your eyes peeled. In honor of our current disco champion I've created a special wallpaper that you can feel free to download and add to your computer by right clicking here

2003-05-09T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hectic
Life has been a little hectic around here plus yours truly had a bout of the stomach flu which was not fun. I did not fall off of my cherry picker and managed to have a decent time at motorball and see some old friends. Life has been trodding on at a fairly normal pace otherwise. I'm ready to burst at the seams with desire to get out of Detroit. If anyone knows of anyone in need of a good computer tech let me know.

2003-05-01T17:33:00.000-04:00

Don't Let Them Shoot Your Kite Down
One of the reasons that I haven't been blogging as much as normal is because my boss for some unknown reason has started coming down on me. He told me that my internet usage is out of hand so I'm trying to make sure that I only blog after hours when he's not in the office. I don't understand corporate America. It's like they try to censor their employees from having any creative outlets what so ever especially during work hours. I mean I work in a call center. What the heck am I supposed to do between calls? I and several other members of my desk have resorted to reading books between calls which suits me fine. Oh well. I'm so excited for this weekend that I'm getting butterflys. It's going to be so much fun to go go dance on cherry pickers! Much Better than the unstable boxes that they had last year. I nearly fell off and broke my ass. Oh well all for the cause.

2003-04-28T18:26:00.000-04:00

Just some Ramblings and a Bitter Pill
No one tells you what life is really going to be like once you leave college. No one prepares you for the fact that you may end up doing something you hate just so you can survive. No one teachs you to slowly stop shattering everytime someone hurts or insults you. No one teaches you to deal with the pain of being different or uncomfortable with who you are. You learn all of these things through your experiences. Mine have made me stronger than I had ever thought possible. I've been a survivor of many awful things, and am sure that I'll survive many more. I now embrace the experience and grit my teeth at the possibility of new challenges. I don't know where I'm going exactly but fucked if anyone does. All I know is that I'll be all right wherever I go.

2003-04-28T17:13:00.000-04:00

Forever More
Sorry for the lack of writing. Work has been extremely hectic, I've been extremely tired, and not feeling all that creative. This week will prove to be no exception I'm afraid. Motorball starts this weekend so I'm going to the gym everyday until Friday. I've got to get my self into Go Go boy shape and have precious little time to do it in. I've also got to go tanning this week in hopes of getting some quick color for Saturdays party and I've got to get my hair trimmed. All of this just to look good but trust me my fears are justified (you try standing almost completely naked on a cherry picker in front of a group of gay men that you don't know and see how brave you feel). Anyways pictures and normal activities will commence next week.

2003-04-16T18:18:00.000-04:00

Save Me
In less than 2 weeks PJ and I will have been together for a year. This is the longest relationship that I've had and the best by far. It amazes me because he and I are still going strong. I love him to death and couldn't be happier. We have a fun summer ahead of us with plenty of things to do. We're going to Motorball (our actual one year falls on this weekend), and then to IML, and possibly out to Toronto for gay pride. I can't wait. I have the best boyfriend in the world.

2003-04-15T13:26:00.000-04:00

Momentum
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've just been extremely busy with work and extremely tired from it. Normal posts will return tommorow

2003-04-10T18:10:00.000-04:00

Blue Pumpkins and fun Projects
Today was filled with mediocrity. Nothing exciting happened. I had training on a scheduling program called Blue Pumpkin which is just another way for my company to electronically shackle me to my desk. Other than that it's been pretty quite in this neck of the woods. The only exciting thing I did was make a cool picture of my best friend Emily.

2003-04-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

Everyone I know is Acting Weird or Way too Cool
I heard my favorite Aimee Mann song Ghost World today and it made me think of a promise that I'd made to myself last summer when I'd first heard the song. My promise was to get the hell out of Michigan. I still haven't done that. I WILL DO THAT before this summer is over if I have to leave this state in a pine box. I'm going to move away from here no matter what. It's just hard to remind myself that it's not as easy as I'd like it to be and with the economy suffering finding a job is about as easy as finding a straight man at a Cher concert. I've just got to keep my chin up and press on.

2003-04-08T18:03:00.000-04:00

Invasion of the Kitties from Mars
I finally updated my music and included a new picture of PJ's cat Thorn for you to enjoy. Other than that nothing exciting going on here.

2003-04-07T16:33:00.000-04:00

Let the Training Commence
So now it begins. My boyfriend and I will be go-go dancing at circuit party were we met again this year. The party is Motorball and I have a month to get myself into tip top shape for it. I want to look my absolute best. I'm starting to take a weight gaining suppliment in addition to bulking up my diet and exercise. I looked alright last year and started to look better later on, but now the big push is on. I've got to get into good shape to dance for hours on end in nothing but my skivvies in front of a crowd of gay men. I'm excited and can't wait. In preparation this month I will begin doing the following:
♦ . Start Tanning Weekly (tan skin always shows off muscles better and I'm pale as a ghost right now)
♦. Start doing Cardio for at least ten minutes during every workout (to burn off any excess fat)
♦ . Increase my eating from 3 times a day to at least 4 plus a protein shake (I'm not looking forward to this part, but I've done it before)
♦ . Get highlights again
♦ . Lastly continue to work out hard.
Now that I've gotten my vain little list out of the way I'll say this. I haven't been out in Detroit nearly as much since I started dating PJ (my boyfriend) and so a lot of acquintances haven't seen me since around last year. I look very different from how I looked last year. I've gained 15 pounds of muscle, grown a little bit of scruff and a lot of self confidience. Mostly I'm getting in shape to test myself and see that I can do it. More about that later.

2003-04-04T18:06:00.000-05:00

I am not Mechanically Inclined
So it's been raining cats and dogs since last night and I needed to get my wiperblades replaced. I'm an idiot when it comes to cars and should not have attempted to replace them myself. After asking a complete stranger for help at taking off the wiper. I was left with a long pole with a hook at the end. So I bravely went into the hardware store and was able to find my wiperblades which I purchased for about $9.00. I then set to the task of putting the blades on.....for ONE HOUR, also while attempting to put the blades on I accidently knocked one of those large bladeless hooks into back down which caused it to hit my windshield with enough force to crack the bottom of my windshield. So my car has no wiperblades, a star shaped crack and I'm frustrated and my hands have gone stiff from being out in the cold. I've read the instructions about 10 times. I've looked at the three useless pieces of plastic. Then it dawns on me. I try something that seems way too simple. 2 seconds later I've got both wiper blades on and it's only cost me $58.00 (the fifty will go towards getting the crack fixed).

2003-04-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

I promise
this is the last time I futz with my website for a while. The only thing you can expect are a couple of better banners. I made the new banners pretty quickly and would like to make a little bit higher quality ones. I just didn't have my digital camera with me so doing that was a problem. The green is my favorite so I set it to be my default. Other than banner changes this is it for the old Nightmare for a while.

2003-04-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

We're conducting a Little Survey
In honor of the fact that my comments are back and because I care about you dear reader and want to get to know you I have decided to have a poll. Using the comments please name your favorite song from the 1950's (this was inspired by yesterday's post).

2003-04-03T12:19:00.000-05:00

Taste My Rainbow part II
Because I'm it's easy I decided to add all of the colors of the rainbow to my style sheets. Unfortunitely blogger didn't like this and so they've been giving me hassles by not allowing me to upload my style sheets and images that I need to add in the new colors for your enjoyment. Hopefully they'll have the problem fixed before the end of the day and I'll find something better to do than sit around making stylesheets. But look at it this way there's a style sheet to match every outfit. Oh and just a note to you comment shy readers, I don't bite unless requested so feel free to talk.

2003-04-02T10:20:00.000-05:00

Then He Kissed Me
I love old music, especially stuff from the 1950's. It has this energy about it that's amazing and it always feels so much more upbeat. I heard the song "Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals yesterday and was in a great mood all day after that. It made me think of my boyfriend. 1950's songs seem so much more romantic and happy. I wish the music now could just get a little of that simple but beautiful sound back.

2003-03-31T17:26:00.000-05:00

Come On
Todays blog will consist of the first lines from a Moloko song that seems like the best describer of the weekend that I had I'm tired and cranky but had an amazing weekend. Normal posts return tommorow:
Is this me breaking free
or just breaking down ha ha
A comic vision
Don't you feel proud
It's such a
How do
You do
Well this is not the done thing
Dance for me Baby let's begin the beguin
Ha ha ha ha ha

2003-03-28T13:06:00.000-05:00

Testing...Testing...is this Thing On?
Due to reasons I can't explain I felt that it was time to end my hissy fit and put comments back on my website. Please feel free to leave me one.

2003-03-28T10:36:00.000-05:00

20 20 24 Hours ago
I decided to go out last night because the ol boyfriend decided that he needed to go out and I was trying to think of what the heck I could do with my hair. It's gotten to a point where it is so long that there is really very little I can do with it. So I decided to try my hand at a mohawk. It didn't turn out too bad and the response was good. I had fun with it but I definitely couldn't do it all the time. I've altered my picture just a little because I took this after I went to the bar instead of before (trying to aim a digital camera when drunk is not that easy) and my hair had started to fall (so I added a little back in). All in all it was fun to try out a new look.

2003-03-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

Taste My Rainbow
Okay here's the story. I was about to give up on trying to make my blog have a skin changer completely. I trashed all of my cascading style sheets, and all of the gifs that I spent time making. Then this morning came and she emailed me with words of hope. So I said screw it and rolled up my sleeves again and dived head first into recoding my page. After many tedious hours of website surgery I'd reached success. So I can now proudly offer you the same crazy rants, but in new designer colors. I'll update the colors every once and a while to keep you guessing but I think this is it for a while as far as the consmetic changes go. I is a very happy boy.

2003-03-26T17:10:00.000-05:00

Were I Have Failed
I have been trying all day to add a new feature to my website for shits and giggles. I have been trying to add a skin changer. Let me just tell you something. These may be the words of an idiot but I stand by them.Cascading Style Sheets are a fucking nightmare! So are the scripts that are involved in making a skin changer. I've been sitting for most of a 9 hour work day (between work) trying to figure this out and just when I think I'm close, I'm still 100 miles away. Oh well maybe my little site is fine just the way it is. Candy I solute you for your bravery and ability to succeed where I have failed.

2003-03-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

Cruel to be Kind
I was talking to a friend today about some problems that she was having with her boyfriend and came to a conclusion. It REALLY is as the old song goes. You've got to be cruel to be kind. If you're unhappy with a relationship you should break it off. The only thing you're doing by staying in it is holding the other person back from finding the person who really is right for them. It's not easy and you may seem like you're being cruel but it's the kindest thing to do (get it cruel to be kind). The hardest thing for us to do is to hurt someone that we really care about but sometimes it proves neccesary for our sakes and theirs.

2003-03-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

Dove
All I know is today has been going wonderfully and my spring mojo is in effect. I found this little song and have been in a remarkibly good mood since. It's amazing the power that music has over me. I'm all smiles today and can'te wait to get off of work so that I can go work out and then go out with my best friend Jill. I don't know what we'll end up doing tonight but what ever it is it should be fun.

2003-03-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

The Start of a Brand New Day
Today I got a call from a manager down in Columbus. This was good. He spoke to my boss. Hopefully that is good. Now I can see that the ball has started rolling and I'm hoping that the pins line up so that I can move down to Columbus. Everything appears to be coming together so keep sending me those positive vibes. I'm excited to start a new journey and hopefully that will happen soon. I've got butterfly's in my stomach.

2003-03-21T17:51:00.000-05:00

Dancing Fruit
So this weekend should be good. Your's truly is not going down to Columbus, instead my boyfriend is coming up to visit me. I'm very excited. Tonight we're going to go out with some friends to The Nectarine. This should be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it. Tommorow we're going to have lunch with my best friend Jill and dinner with my folks. Then it's off to Backstreet on Saturday. This should be pretty good and I think I'll take my digital camera and shoot some pictures.

2003-03-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

Mentally in Bloom
First two things. 1. I will NOT discuss the war on my blog. I refuse to make it a political platform for me to voice my ideas, I'm aware that there is a war going on right now but I prefer to avoid discussing it. 2. Sorry I haven't really written anything new on here in the past couple of days (I've been out partying this week and too tired to write anything intelligible). Now where was I? Oh yes, spring. Something about the change in weather always makes me feel more alive. Michigan winters tend to be like mental Novocain for me and make me slightly depressed. Now spring is coming and be it rainy or sunny I'm enjoying it. I love the smell that's in the air right now. It's loaded with nostalgia, and good feelings. I feel like I'm coming alive again. I feel feisty and fired up and ready to go. I'm ready for spring flings and summer pool parties. I'm ready for hot days and cool nights. I'm ready for partying with friends with a pitcher of margarita's until the new dawn comes. I'm ready to have fun. I really am going to try to enjoy every nice day. I love spring and summer because I flourish in these sessions. Everything seems better. I get little pleasures out of things like driving with my windows rolled down and my music turned up. I hope this spring and summer prove to be exciting.

2003-03-18T13:25:00.000-05:00

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2003-03-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Happy Saint Patricks Day
Happy Saint Patricks Day. That being said I'm going to go have a beer. Normal posts return tommorow

2003-03-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

Don't Blow Smoke up my Ass
Nothing bothers me more than when you ask a question and get a verbal smokescreen in response. I suppose this is a valuable business tool because it leaves the questioner bewildered and disarmed. It pisses me the fuck off. I can't stand when I ask a direct and straight forward question and am left with a steaming pile of crap as a response. If I ask a direct question please don't pussyfoot around what you mean with a bunch big words and analogies that your using as an attempt to confuse or bewilder me, it WON'T work. I love the fact that people think it will. The trick to not getting lost in these clouds of noxious verbage is to just keep in mind what you asked throughout the entire answer and watch to see if your question is ever actually touched upon. Another trick that is used to confuse you is hiding a kernal of truth in a sea of blather while scewing bad news by only touching apon it with the force of a butterfly landing on a flower and emphasizing positive news like a pimp selling out his prized Ho. No Mr. Heisey you did not fool me and yes I understood perfectally what you were actually saying the toxic clouds that were your responses to my questions. So there :P.

2003-03-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

Indigo Here We Go
Do you ever get a song stuck in your head to the point where you'll mindlessly hum it to yourself and not even realize it? That's happened to me all morning. I've had the song "Indigo" by Moloko stuck in my skull all morning and beating around inside there like a moth against a screen door in summer. It's kind of annoying but I'm glad it's that song instead of something worse like "Mickey" by Toni Basil.

2003-03-13T12:57:00.000-05:00

My Type of Guy
I don't think I've ever discussed what my type of guy is and I feel that that even though I like many different types of guys I should give the general rules. I feel that it's an essential part of blogging (mostly a chance for me to rant about different guys). My boyfriend is definitely my type (hotter than heatwave in Vegas). Hugh Jackman is also my type. Now aside from these two fantastic men, my type is basically Mister Clean with a goatee and hairy chest and without the white hair. Something about a shaved head,goatee, and muscles makes me weak in the knees. Don't ask me why I'm not really sure myself. I just thought I'd share that little bit of about me.

2003-03-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

Evil In Your Cup
Okay this is kind of a dumb rant and it pertains to office life so you have been warned before you proceed. That being said pardon my French but Coffee Mate non Dairy cream powder sucks my ass. Oh and so does my office's coffee for that matter but that's a different story. I will never understand how someone can enjoy a decent cup of coffee and use this crap. The only reason I could think of to use it is because you're lactose intolerant. The two things that really disgust me about this product are the fact that it's powder and the fact that it's non dairy. So basically every morning when you pour this shit into your coffee you're actually pouring a combination of various chemicals, and plant extracts into your coffee. There's a trace amount of any kind of actual milk byproduct in this stuff. Yet somehow we accept it as a substitute for cream. This also means that the stuff is probably chock full of artificial colors and flavoring. Oh and by the way I still use the stuff mostly because our coffee tastes like it was passed through a 30 year old coffee filter and if I didn't then I wouldn't be able to stomach the stuff and bring you little bits of sunshine like this.

2003-03-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

Fantasize
I often fantasize about different things and have a very VERY vivid imagination. Today, as I'm sitting here at my desk I'm fantasizing about summertime and all the things I have to look forward to. I can't wait to go to a pool party with my boyfriend or have a cookout, I can't wait to go tanning and to IML. I just can't wait for sunshine in general. People in Michigan always seem more alive and in a better mood when the weather is warm. If I close my eyes right now I can even smell the fresh cut grass and feel the sun beating on my face. I love the drive down to Columbus in the summer because the normally barren and boring cornfields spring to life and the scenery becomes alive again. I can't wait for warm weather.

2003-03-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am a rock I am an Island
All I have to say today is this. When you bitch about your job and about your relationships say at least I have my health, when you don't have your health say at least I know there's someone who cares for me. Be thankfull for the small things that you have everyday. I try to be. I'm thankfull from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I don't let one pretty sunset escape me or take one single happy moment for granted. I've learned that sometimes the things that we take for granted are the things we miss the most when they're gone. I've learned that the most important thing about life is to enjoy it. There will be plenty of times when it's not easy and when it will try to break you but don't let it. I remember many times growing up when I thought that I would burst from the presure of being young, gay, and alone. How it killed me that I know longer had the special relationship that I once did with my mother. I learned a lot up to this point but the most important thing I've learned is when you feel like you don't give a damn and everything is wrong, just take a deep breath and utter, "at least I have my health, and even if I don't at least I am loved..."

2003-03-10T16:11:00.000-05:00

Here it comes again...
All I can think today is dear God please let me get this job in Columbus. I want to have the chance to make a new start and a new start is exactly what I need.

2003-03-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

More repairs
I'm so proud of myself. I sat at my boyfriends computer for almost an hour and a half today fixing it. My boyfriend has an iMac that he bought off of a friend. Well this friend didn't clear out any of the old crap off of the computer so needless to say the computer was a mess. I went in there today with a sense of purpose and was able to clear out all of the unnecessary programs, defrag the harddrive thanks to Norton Speed Disk, and fix a major error that was happening everytime my boyfriend started his computer. I also installed flash on his computer and checked to make sure everything else was working okay. Now his computer is running 3 times faster, hasn't frozen once and in general just looks better. I wish I got this much satisfaction out of doing tech support over the phone. I really do enjoy the challenge of fixing problems and making a computer run better. It definitely gives me a positive feeling to know that I could do something for my boyfriend.

2003-03-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

That's how the cookie crumbles
I just finished my lunch. My fortune cookie reads: "You are next in line for promotion in your firm". I sure in the heck hope so...........

2003-03-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

Give it a try, don't be shy
yours truly has put on his mechanics overalls, rolled up his sleeves, and gone under the hood of his blog to make some changes and adjustments. I added blog rolling to make your life and mine a little easier, I also disabled the comments because frankly they weren't getting that much use and plus I was annoyed by the fact that they never wanted to load. I've started agreeing with Scott that commenting isn't right for everyone. I think I do enough talking for all of us on this little blog and besides if you want to talk to me my email is listed conveniently at the side. I also updated the tricolor groove with new mp3's by Moloko and a stunning picture courtesy of my boyfriends cat Thorn. I feel good. I was able to install the blog rolling with no fuss or muss and was able to alter the style sheet to suit my needs, I'm proud of myself considering I've never had one lesson in web publishing, java scripting, or cascading style sheets in my life. Oh and one more little bit of good news. I found a job in Columbus. I've sent my resume in and they've asked for my bosses name and number. I'm waiting with baited breathe and hope that I get this job. Wish me luck

2003-03-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

Go Granny Go Granny Go Granny Go
I swear I just saw the little old lady from Pasadena today when I was at the bank. I was at the ATM and just finished my transaction. I turned around and bumped right into her. I apologized and she said that was no problem she stated that she was blind in her right eye and didn't see me either. Once I heard this I waited to see if she was having someone else drive her or if she had driven to the bank herself. So I watch through my rearview as she walks next to a Cadilac and think to myself "well there's a shocker" and watch as she walks right past it to the Camaro parked next to it. I was left thinking 2 things 1. If she's legally blind in her right eye how the hell can she drive? and 2. She must be hell on wheels

2003-03-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

Sure as a circle keeps going round
As I'm sitting here the sun is shining outside. It's not a very warm day but it's the kind of day that makes you appreciate the sun in general. This morning was overcast and grey and now I'm watching through my tinted office window the sun as it begins it's slow descent into the horizon. Today was nothing special but this week has gone by quickly and for that I'm thankful. I have so many things that I want to do this weekend with the boyfriend and am looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing. What I think I love most about my boyfriend is the feeling that I can crawl deep inside him and wrap myself in his love. He's the fuzzy kinda lover that's a mix of tough and tender but always genuine. He's the best and I'm glad that I have him. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life has changed and about the fact that we're about to come up on our 1 year anniversary in May and how much my life has changed since I met him. He has been my longest boyfriend and has been the first boyfriend who's ever admitted he loved me first and has loved me openly and freely without reservation. I feel like it's what I deserve. I never realized that until recently. I was so used to being hurt and betrayed by my exs who never stuck around long enough to do anything but that, that I'd finally come to the conclusion that that was the way all relationships were, at least for me. My boyfriend has healed me. He's taken away most of the hurt and pain that I've had when it comes to relationships. No doubt we've had our peaks and valleys like any couple. When I first started this blog it was only as a means of therapy because of a particular problem which no longer exists. Something about this one has kept me hanging on even when I wanted to let go and I'm thankful that I have because I have the best boyfriend in the world... at least for me.

2003-03-05T11:46:00.000-05:00

Slip and Slide
So today driving into work was definitely interesting. It had snowed all last night and as a result all the roads had a nice thick coating of the white stuff. It always impresses me how we'll have adequete warning for the roads to get plowed yet they never do. So as I was driving in I passed 7 cars that had either spun out or had been involved in some sort of accident. People were doing the stupid things that they do in the snow like braking sharply (this is my hugest pet peeve because if you ask me this is really what causes accidents) and driving at 20 miles an hour even though there was a light coating of snow. I don't know what it is about snow that makes people turn into idiots but it's like when it's snowing they suddenly forget how to drive a car. I'll admit that the roads weren't good and that they should have been plowed but if you live in Michigan you should be used to snow, and thus should know how to drive in the damn stuff without hurting yourself or others and if you can't then get the hell off the road and use that bad weather as an excuse to call in sick and catch up on your soaps!

2003-03-04T18:02:00.000-05:00

Do you Like My Tight Sweater?
All I have to say is that since I started listening to their new album yesterday Moloko has been all that's on my mind. Not only have I been listening to them obsessivly and doing a backround check (ie google and yahoo searches for articles about the band [I KNOW this makes me a major geek but I do it anyway because it makes me appreciate the band more]). All I can say is they are amazing. I managed to watch the video's for three of their songs (indigo rocks!!!), and to listen to their whole album. Another funny thing that happened was while on my lunch hour I decided to go this record store that carries new and used cd's to look for Moloko's latest album "Statues". Right when I walked through the door I saw a bargain bin and the first cd in it was Moloko's "Do you Like My Tight Sweater?" which is their first album. So I was ecstatic. Roisin Murphy has a gorgeous voice.

2003-03-03T12:47:00.000-05:00

Pleasure Prison

Held inside this moment
Like a fly inside the glass
Loving every second
But knowing it can't last
Waiting for the second
For the ball to drop
The peak is coming
And I can't make it stop
I'm held inside a pleasure prison
It's got a hold on me
Even if I could escape
I've no desire to be free
Bound by the chains
Of my own making
No concern over
The chances that I'm taking
Mental roses bloomed
And sensations were awakened
Captive in this space
In a moment so right
Emotional overflow
Has me held tight
chorus
written by Nightmare Boy dedicated to Patrick, Daryl, and Scott